There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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