after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
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