respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
