I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
