i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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