Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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