i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
