So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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