There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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