so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
