Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
