Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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