my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Let's paint friendship bongs
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
Will exercising make me less horny?
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