wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
