i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize