I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
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