i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
