he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
