Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
