Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
