I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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