I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
