I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
