You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
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