wrigley field is MILF paradise
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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