I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
