she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
