He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Couch. On fire.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
