Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
