she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
