Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
