his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
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