The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
