i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
