she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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