I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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