The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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