How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I want to fling myself into the sun
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
