Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
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