My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
