Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
