Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.