so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
