i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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