my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
