We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
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