Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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