Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
