She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
