remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
