she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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