theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
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