i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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