I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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